Before I was a grieving parent I was a parent who’s child had health struggles and a rare unknown condition. I was in a category that no one knew how to respond to. It was not something familiar like asthma or cancer that people could understand. Heck, even the doctors could not make sense of what was happening to Patryk at the end of his life. This made it very difficult to not feel alone. Like I lived on a separate planet from everyone else, even the people I use to feel closest with.
Before I had a child with health struggles I was a teen mom. I was thankful to be out of high school and a graduate with a cosmetology license before this happened. Yet again, I was thrown into this world that separated me from everyone I knew. All my friends were either leaving for college or going to visit friends away at school. It was a time of partying and living life one day at a time for everyone except the girl who got knocked up. Friendships were different from that point on, even the best of friends could not understand or comprehend what I was going through. I remember going into labor and calling at the time my best friend who planned on being at the hospital with me. That conversation didn’t go as planned. She was shocked that I was four days early and told me she was at her boy friends college, “good luck can’t wait to see you when I get back.” Ouch! I didn’t have my husband there since he was in Iraq and this was when I realized no one that I was friends with at the time could understand what was going on in my life. I felt completely alone during the start of my motherhood, unable to connect to the people my age.
Before I was a teen mom I was a teenager, and when your a teenager you feel like no one gets you. I was always very passionate and loved my friends so dearly. Sometimes defending them would get me into a lot of trouble, but being a teenager I did not think of consequences like I do now as an adult. So I have simmered down a bit and have learned to pick my battles. Except when it comes to my husband forgetting to put toilet paper in the bathroom, which is just absurd.
Before I was a teenager I was a young, loving, innocent, happy, enthusiastic, hopeful and playful girl. Under neath all the disappointment, pain, grief and anxiety I’m still all those things from when I was younger, except for every struggle I’ve faced growing up I have stopped remembering to just be me. Focused on how I did not fit in, on how I was misunderstood as a teenager and I focused all too much on worrying. I’m done worrying, I’ve learned way too early that you are judged in this world. Whether for your good qualities or faults people are always there to point them out or isolate you from them. I’ve made a choice to get back in touch with the young me, the me that loves with out thinking and lives with excitement for the little things because before I go to bed every night I remember I am a grieving parent. My child can not live, therefore I will live life to the fullest with the heart of a child and the mind of an adult that knows how precious life is. Continuing my journey trying to let go of the pain from the past so I may see the beauty in tomorrow.
Before I was a grieving parent I was just Trina. After losing my child I see myself as so much more than “just Trina” I am a survivor, I am loving, I am forgiving and here to live everyday of the rest of my life. Missing my first son everyday and thankful for every memory with him from my past.
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If I could erase your pain I would. Life is never easy. And you have gone through things no one would want to imagine. It is bumpy road along the way, but it’s how you handle things that makes the difference.. I glad you can see the beauty in life because I can see the beauty in you. ♡♡♡
That means soooo much! Thank you ♡♡♡♡
I just came across your website while looking up a recipe for crock pot pork loin and I found this page. I lost my oldest son (23 years old) in 1998. It is and has been the most difficult time I ever experienced. Nothing can compare to what a parent goes through when they lose a child. Unlike you I had 23 years with my son before he passed. He had everything going for him but apparently that was not enough to make him happy. I lost a piece of myself that day. I have another son (2 years younger) and all my energy has gone to him but I am missing a piece of myself and my heart. I think of him every day and see a piece of him in each of my grandsons. He will always live in my heart. I agree with “It’s Not Goodbye Forever…. It’s Goodbye For Now”.
Thank you for writing Steffi, I completly get what you saying. Till we see our boys again, I’m sending you my love from afar. Recently wrote a personal post Always forgetting something I think you might totally get the feeling I’m refering to.