We have a special connection, one I didn’t ever want to share with any one, but we do. I know everything is so hard right now and you don’t know what to do or how to handle everything that has happened. That’s o.k., you’re not supposed to know what to do right now. Let yourself fall apart because if there was anytime in life where you should it is now. Do not worry about what others will think of you if your crying in public and do not worry if it is too much for your family to see you this way. This is the worst thing that will ever happen to you in your life… I would love to tell you things will get better but truthfully, honestly, they just become different. You’ll always feel that pain your feeling right now just not as often.
You will become stronger later if you let yourself hurt now. Breaking down is your minds way of processing this basically impossible situation. The horrible moments where you break down over how you miss your baby is actually your body screaming love for the one you can’t be with. In time these moments happen less often, but when they do happen still years later they are reminders of how much love you still have. You find comfort in these moments of grief that you did not expect. Just hang in there through every breakdown, they are terribly painful as you know.
Please don’t look at how others handle grief to handle yours, your grief is just that, YOURS! I was told I would get angry at some point and that if I didn’t I wasn’t processing grief the right way. Really! What is the right way!? I never felt anger I just felt sadness, such deep pain that I could not hold, kiss, smell or tell my child how much I loved him. I couldn’t keep my child from harm and yet I knew I did everything humanly possibly that I could for him. I was, I am still just heartbroken.
It was in my deepest hours where I almost lost all sanity that I found my strength. This is when I thought of my son in heaven and that stopped me right in my path of self destruction. He is looking down on me and it was my job to be strong for him, I am still his mother and he is still my child! I will be reunited with him again one day and when I do I want to make sure I have done everything possible for him to be proud. I am going to continue my life with out him, honoring his life by living mine and not taking one second for granted. That doesn’t mean it will be an easy task, but it is the path I choose, hoping to make it through the most painful grief there is.
You must…listen to me…and not listen to people right now. So many people told me how I should be feeling or that they understood how I felt (which is absolutely absurd of them to say) They do not know how to handle this situation that is too horrific to ever imagine. They will say dumb stuff! Just remember as much as their comments or conversations may sound unthoughtful, most are trying in their own way because they care. They just do not know how, which is the most beautiful thing of all, because not knowing how means they don’t carry this heavy weight that you now carry.
Being a parent that lost a child comes with a big responsibility. Your now responsible to help others who have gone through this by modeling your behavior. Let me be clear though, this means letting yourself be imperfect, knowing that everyday is a challenge and remembering to be the teacher to your child from a far. Be strong when you can and fall apart when you need to.
You’re still their parent and they are still your child… remind yourself that everyday, their spirit lives on through you. There is no timeline for your grief and you must be selfish and take care of yourself right now. When I say selfish I don’t mean in unhealthy ways but healthy ways…you want to stay home and watch movies, not move from under the covers, get your nails done, go on a shopping spree, bake till you can’t anymore, run, get a massage, anything to make you fell better and stay busy right now.
Last but not least, you are not alone! Even though you didn’t want me to be your friend I am! I’m not going away and we may never even speak, but I’m here for you if you ever need me. All parents who have suffered this loss know one thing, no one knows what your going through right now, not even us! Prayers to you and to your child in heaven whether they be babies, a child or a grown adult. We all lose our children at different ages and not one is easier from the other, each situation is different while being terribly the same all at once.
Love, the friend you never wanted!
P.S. Remember it’s not goodbye forever, its goodbye for now, until we hold our babies again in heaven stay strong!