It’s always and never at the same time

For some of you reading this you already know of my first son Patryk, that tragically passed at the young age of five. Some how I wanted to write about and share beautiful stories of him as I naturally would if talking to a friend. Every time I sat down to write this I was not sure when it would be the right time or would it ever. That is because as the years have gone by, the conversations about Patryk have become shorter and less often. I think about him everyday, multiple times a day, but for most it has become a topic that can cause a reaction of sadness.

I have a few friends that mean the world to me. They are close friends that speak of my son Patryk in the most natural way, without hesitation in their voice. These friends have no idea how unbelievably grateful I am for those moments. To hear my own thoughts and memories everyday is one thing, but to hear stories from their perspective is heaven on earth for me. Sometimes they remind me of moments I had forgotten all about and make me feel as if he was here just yesterday. Some people reminisce about their old college days or partying as a young twenty something, memories I don’t have. It does not make me sad, during that time I got to know one of the most amazing people I will have ever met in my life. Even better…he called me Mom! The greatest honor in the world.

For the short five years that my son lived through every hospital visit, through every iv infusion, for every single struggle he had with everyday pain that doctors could not relieve, I was there for him. There was not anywhere in the world I rather be. What amazed me and everyone around him was no matter how sick he was, he never showed it. Till the very last week of his life he just wanted to do as much as he could fit into a single day. Boy, did he fit a lot into those days with his naturally hyper and overly enthusiastic personality. You couldn’t even get through the door before he would politely tell you to hurry up and take off your shoes so you could play Wii! No matter who you were, no matter how old, no matter how many times you said no…..you were going to play! His spirit was so bright so sweet, he was a true joy to watch grow. I remember him coming home from school crying about someone being mean, he didn’t understand why any one in the world would ever be mean. He loved everyone, he loved everything and he was put on this earth only for a short period of time. The impact he would leave on me I sure did not see coming.

Not even doctors could explain why or what was happening during his last year. We took him to every specialist and then some, to not find any answers. The doctors who cared for him in the end were at a loss for words. I thank everyone of those doctors, nurses and staff who were truly there for my son. Also for holding me up when I collapsed in the halls hearing them read the results. I can not begin to understand how doing this job must tear at their hearts.  Thank you Thank you Thank you

I have accepted that time with my son on earth is over, but I will see him again one day in heaven. When this does happen I want to make sure I have done everything in my life to make him proud. I live to make him proud, to one day sit in heaven and talk with him about all the life he watched from up above. I know he’s watching over all of us and this is what drives me to be a better person. He loved everyone without hesitation, so I love. He forgave everyone with an open heart, so I forgive. He lived everyday to laugh and smile, so I laugh! Your spirit will live on through me little Patryk, I promise I’ll try my best! In a time where it seems impossible to want to live on after losing someone who never should of gone before me, I find my strength in you my beautiful son!

It ALWAYS feels like the right time to talk about him to me! Being respectful of others knowing not everyone can handle this difficult subject,  I sometimes feel like it’s NEVER the right time to talk about him.  It’s Always and Never at the same time!

Tomorrows recipe (Apple Cinnamon Muffins) is inspired by Patryk.