It’s always and never at the same time

It’s always and never at the same time

For some of you reading this you already know of my first son Patryk, that tragically passed at the young age of five. Some how I wanted to write about and share beautiful stories of him as I naturally would if talking to a friend. Every time I sat down to write this I was not sure when it would be the right time or would it ever. That is because as the years have gone by, the conversations about Patryk have become shorter and less often. I think about him everyday, multiple times a day, but for most it has become a topic that can cause a reaction of sadness.

I have a few friends that mean the world to me. They are close friends that speak of my son Patryk in the most natural way, without hesitation in their voice. These friends have no idea how unbelievably grateful I am for those moments. To hear my own thoughts and memories everyday is one thing, but to hear stories from their perspective is heaven on earth for me. Sometimes they remind me of moments I had forgotten all about and make me feel as if he was here just yesterday. Some people reminisce about their old college days or partying as a young twenty something, memories I don’t have. It does not make me sad, during that time I got to know one of the most amazing people I will have ever met in my life. Even better…he called me Mom! The greatest honor in the world.

For the short five years that my son lived through every hospital visit, through every iv infusion, for every single struggle he had with everyday pain that doctors could not relieve, I was there for him. There was not anywhere in the world I rather be. What amazed me and everyone around him was no matter how sick he was, he never showed it. Till the very last week of his life he just wanted to do as much as he could fit into a single day. Boy, did he fit a lot into those days with his naturally hyper and overly enthusiastic personality. You couldn’t even get through the door before he would politely tell you to hurry up and take off your shoes so you could play Wii! No matter who you were, no matter how old, no matter how many times you said no…..you were going to play! His spirit was so bright so sweet, he was a true joy to watch grow. I remember him coming home from school crying about someone being mean, he didn’t understand why any one in the world would ever be mean. He loved everyone, he loved everything and he was put on this earth only for a short period of time. The impact he would leave on me I sure did not see coming.

Not even doctors could explain why or what was happening during his last year. We took him to every specialist and then some, to not find any answers. The doctors who cared for him in the end were at a loss for words. I thank everyone of those doctors, nurses and staff who were truly there for my son. Also for holding me up when I collapsed in the halls hearing them read the results. I can not begin to understand how doing this job must tear at their hearts.  Thank you Thank you Thank you

I have accepted that time with my son on earth is over, but I will see him again one day in heaven. When this does happen I want to make sure I have done everything in my life to make him proud. I live to make him proud, to one day sit in heaven and talk with him about all the life he watched from up above. I know he’s watching over all of us and this is what drives me to be a better person. He loved everyone without hesitation, so I love. He forgave everyone with an open heart, so I forgive. He lived everyday to laugh and smile, so I laugh! Your spirit will live on through me little Patryk, I promise I’ll try my best! In a time where it seems impossible to want to live on after losing someone who never should of gone before me, I find my strength in you my beautiful son!

It ALWAYS feels like the right time to talk about him to me! Being respectful of others knowing not everyone can handle this difficult subject,  I sometimes feel like it’s NEVER the right time to talk about him.  It’s Always and Never at the same time!

Tomorrows recipe (Apple Cinnamon Muffins) is inspired by Patryk.

Apple Cinnamon Muffins
Apple Cinnamon Muffins

 

10 Comments

  1. Carole Mitchell

    Trina I am your Grandma Lynn’s childhood friend. She had kept me posted about little Patryk’s short life. She also loved him so much and told me about how when she saw him he would say “GEGE come play with me”
    Trina I so agree about what you are saying about always thinking about him and talking about him with others that understand, you are a very brave young lady. I also here from your Grandma how you are a wonderful mother to your son now.
    You and your husband enjoy him. What you have written is just beautiful.
    Carole

    • Whisking Mama

      Hi Carole!!! I’ve heard many wonderful things about you from Grandma! Thank you for your kind word especially about being brave and a wonderful mother, I can not take all the credit because I’ve had some amazing role models in my life teaching me. One being Grandma Lynn! Love her and look up to that strong lady more than she’ll ever know!

  2. What a awesome post you have written. I only met Patryk when he was very small but heard a lot about him. I know exactly how you feel and it’s really hard when no one else can. They will always be in our hearts and thoughts every moment of our lives. Their memories will never be forgotten and you should always
    enjoy talking about him. It is the other people that are not sure how you are going to react when his name is mentioned. Speak freely and often, in time the others will come around to an understanding. Always live each day to the fullest and smile. Remember they are our Guardian Angels, always trying to point us in the right direction.

  3. Absoloutly beautiful. Xoxo

  4. Trina you are such an inspiration to me.. I never got the privilege to meet Patryk but I love hearing stories about him from you and Maggie.. You light up when you talk about him and all his silliness.. You are an amazing mommy and an amazing friend and I’m very thankful to have you in my life 🙂 Xoxo.. Can’t wait for the recipe tomorrow 🙂

  5. Lynne Rzeszutko

    Hi Trina,

    I have been friends with your Mom since high school. I never had the privilege of meeting Patryk, but I will always remember the one day that I called your Mom on a whim and he was there – and I couldn’t focus on what your Mom was saying because all I could hear was his laughter in the background. The sheer JOY was just so contagious I couldn’t help myself and started to laugh, too. So did your Mom. Then she asked him to say hello. So I did have one shining moment, when your Mom put him on the phone, to have oh, a very meaningful, thirty second conversation with a boy truly in love with his life and his family. And it will stay with me forever…..

    • Whisking Mama

      Wow! Memories like this!!! Thank you for sharing! I have never heard this story before and my husband and I both just read this feeling such joy from it. He really did make such an impression on people, even if just a simple phone conversation. 🙂

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