Predictable Insanity

predictable insanity

The insanity becomes predictable

When we are born into a family, for most, we are raised to respect and love everyone unconditionally. Scary, placing such a huge expectation on a new and fragile mind-think about it. No one is perfect, but in this world there are rapist, killers, narcissists, sociopaths and sexual predators. Listing these dangerous examples does not negate from the lesser scenarios where a family is unloving, controlling or disrespectful. The impact these surrounding relationships have can shape young minds to accept certain unhealthy behaviors. I was exposed to this stereotypical way of thinking. Shaping my mind to accept lesser than what I deserved, always feeling that I was less than. Walking into a room knowing people had just spoke about me and saying to myself, “it’s o.k. I’ll love them anyways”. I want to teach my children differently.

What a different world it could be if we fostered a child to listen to their inner voice. Deciding for themselves how they feel that they should be treated-while setting boundaries for their health and safety. Throughout childhood my inner voice was shut down repeatedly. Never will I place blame, I just want to change the path for anyone who will listen. Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow, but you can walk away from any relationship. Despite it being your closest relative, family or friends. Let me explain further…

Influential nonsense

I grew up thinking no matter how people treated me that if they were family I was to love them unconditionally. How can we place such expectations on a child without a predictable outcome, it’s unrealistic. I was told a lot of times when I voiced my opinion that I was being obnoxious or to just stop. Typically, going against what people believe to be true can rattle a person, and no mind is more brutally honest than a child’s. Adults hold this power to shape that young mind to feel less than or to encourage them to trust in their own instincts. It’s fascinating the capacity an adult holds to paralyze a child’s mind from who they deserve to become. The second a child feels self doubt they begin to questions themselves and the anxiety builds. Future friendships develop around these behaviors and you find your child with friends who don’t deserve their friendship. I was a victim to this as well…

The lunch room

There was no way of knowing what I was about to encounter while sitting in the lunch room as a maybe seven year old little girl. I could smell the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the air. The kids were all chattering and I pulled out my lunch items one by one. Next to me was a new friend and I remember being excited to sit together. When pulling out my fruit snacks this new friend bluntly looked at me and said, “Give me your fruit snacks or I’m not going to be your friend anymore.” My heart sunk, while feeling stunned. Handing over the fruit snacks seemed to be the easiest way to end the uncomfortable feelings(she was my friend after all and I was to care for her unconditionally, right?). Until the next day when the same demands were requested. This carried on for quite some time, I felt paralyzed as how to help myself. That friend continued to bully me into doing whatever she wanted, even eliminating certain friends of mine that she didn’t like. Repeatedly stating, “If you don’t do (fill in the blank) then I won’t be your friend anymore.” The manipulation happened over and over again until I had enough and finally told my Mom one afternoon with this so called friend at my home. In my room I was buried in my pillow crying because saying no and speaking up meant the loss of a friend-feeling guilty and relieved. Thinking back to my naive self, I realize that I was accepting this behavior to go on. I wish as a small child, that I was not taught to love people unconditionally. I would tell my past self that even family can be wrong or our closest friends-to trust my inner voice. Unconditional love should be earned, not expected. Moving forward in life, my innocents kept me repeatedly finding the wrong friends because I allowed their negative behaviors.

Accepting wrongful inflicted values.

I accepted people for who they were, but lacked setting boundaries. Believing that if I kept trying to show love in these relationships that I would one day receive it in return-only to be let down over and over again. I spent most of my life believing that I had to accept disappointment and betrayal. Falling into a cycle that seemed to never end, with relationships all around while feeling so alone. Accepting the whispers when walking into the room, the fake hugs and pretend I love you’s. My dear friends and readers, to who ever this reaches, you must know that you deserve to be valued. It is o.k. to walk away, and that doesn’t mean it will be easy. You may feel trapped, but it’s worth the escape. Think about who you believe that you are, all the good that gets buried by the toxic nature surrounding. Letting go of people that you love and are toxic is still a loss-you will grieve-push forward.

Mind saving qoute

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”-Albert Einstein. This is the quote that saved me from staying too long-in numerous relationships that had to end in order to live a healthier life. Understand that the insanity becomes predictable if you allow it. That it is o.k. to stop the turmoil and value yourself. You only live one life, no way to live it other than respecting yourself first. My life could have kept going down a path of predictable insanity by choosing to accept these negative relationships. The fight to remove toxic people was no easy battle, but I fought to save my soul.

Changing the (Almost) never ending cycle

To my children, I hope you learn to listen to your inner voice, trust and believe in yourself. Drown out the voices that bury your soul-there will be many who try. I don’t expect you to trust everyone, not everyone deserves your trust. I don’t expect you to love everyone that I love, it’s your choice to feel with your heart. I’ll guide you to be who you are, but I will also stop you from being unsafe. The world can be tricky, people can be deceitful. Continue to keep your eyes open and look for people who encourage you-they deserve to be in your life.

Predictable insanity, that is what my life could have looked like.

 

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