My time on earth is something I value and don’t want to end till I’m old and gray, but inevitably it will end. When this day comes the reward I have waiting for me on the other side is something I can not wait for. I feel anxious, nervous, excited, scared and over joyed when thinking about it, just like the feeling you may get on a first date with a boy you really like. Only this little boy has already stolen my heart and I proudly call him my son. I daydream often about the day I’m in heaven and see my son Patryk for the first time. After meeting Jesus in his open and loving arms I believe I will have the best first date of my life. Where I will be so overwhelmed with joy my human heart wouldn’t be able to bear it.
So many questions run through my head, do you grow older in Heaven, will you still be my five year old Patryk or will you have grown into a man? Will you have watched all your siblings grow up or will you need me to tell you everything about them. Will you be sad about the time that you lost or will you be understanding of everything that happened? You were only five years old when you left and I’m not sure how much you understand about what went wrong or if when I get to heaven you understand more than me and will be my teacher. There is one thing I know, one question I do not ask myself, hugs do exist in heaven. When I hug you for the first time everything, every pain, every tear I have cried for you will disappear. While we are embraced in each others arms the heavens will shine so bright that day from my love for you.
The connection I felt with Patryk was stronger than most I have felt in my life. He was not your typical child for many reasons. His soul was filled with wisdom, love and curiosity. He was stronger than most children, more loving and forgiving. There was nothing typical about Patryk except that he was a boy who loved his video games. Some of his best friends were adults, neighbors and care givers. He could carry on a conversation better than some adults and it was always a pleasure to be talking with him, he was all about connecting and sharing with people. During his five years of life I was lucky enough to have most of that time with him, so we had a lot of conversations and time to connect. Sometimes this strong connection I felt for my son is what brings me such joy, but it can also be what brings my heart so much pain. I can not be with the one person I understood more than myself, it sucks.
Back to that daydream, after we are done embracing in each others arms for as long as we can, I hear your voice again for the first time since you left. This moment is one I’ve longed to be in, I miss your sweet voice, I miss you. I imagine you light up with joy as you start to tell me everything I’ve missed out on while you were in heaven. You’ll tell me about all your friends and how you cant wait for me to meet everyone. Next we will run and run and run till we can’t run anymore, falling over in laughter into a cloud. Laying there together in bliss as you tell me everything you can possibly think of. On earth you couldn’t run and run like you will in heaven because your body would get tired easily. The best part, we are going to let the sun shine on us all day since your disease is no longer a factor and the sun can’t stop you. We will dance in the sun like we use to in the rain. We will watch movies, catch frogs, butterflies, play wii, hungry hungry hippos; most importantly we will dance as if we don’t care who’s watching and like we don’t have a care in the world just as we did everyday together on earth. I miss your white boy dance moves!!! I use to have a video of your special talent, but that phone broke and we lost that video. Now, I long for the moment where you show me all your new moves and make me laugh till I cant take it any more, while we booty dance together. Lol!
Truly, most importantly I cant wait to get to know you again because I’m sure your spirit has grown as has mine. I can not wait to see all the beautiful things heaven has done for you and to be able to thank God myself for the gift he has given me. Meeting you, holding you, calling you son is something I can’t express how truly grateful I am for. As much as it hurts that you’re gone I will never ever forget to be grateful first. It’s my promise to you and what keeps me going on days I can’t bare. I love you and can’t wait till our first date again!
September 18th 2004, The first time we met!
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So beautiful Trina!!!!
Thanks mel! ♡
Just made me “ugly cry”! You will have as much fun on your “first date” as the the day he’s watching you with Max & Katia. Beautiful!!
Well now I’m “ugly crying” too, in a good way 🙂 Thanks sarah!
Well said Trina…. I love you guys xoxo….Happy belated birthday Patryk
Thanks cous! 🙂
This is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt things I have ever read. So moving. Thanks Trina you are truly amazing.
Thank you Lindsey!
I just read what you had to say and how beautiful you write and express. I heard a lot about little Patryk from your grandma during the years you were fortunate to have him in your life. She would love when he called her GEGE.
I had some very special friends at my house in Michigan this weekend and I made your Favorite Baked chicken,
and your Orzo with Parmesan and Peas, and it was a Big Hit, simply delicious. Thanks for sharing your recipes and I look forward to trying more of them.
Am looking forward and congratulate you on your expected “little girl”.
Hi Carole! So excited to hear everyone enjoyed both recipes! Thank you for your kind words! Patryk’s GG is so blessed to have such wonderful friends like you! 🙂
I believe with all my heart that you’ll have the opportunity to raise your son in heaven. This is a beautiful post and I’m so glad I stumbled upon it although I wish your son could be in your arms now, here on earth.
Thank you Lisa!
I stumbled across your blog and I’m crying here because I know your pain. I lost my baby girl, Elizabeth, Feb 16, 2015. No one understand the pain of losing a child unless they’ve experienced it themselves. I cannot wait to meet her in heaven too. What a day! I often wonder if she will age too. I pray that God tells her how loved she is and was so, so wanted.
Laura, I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m sure your baby girl knows exactly how much she was wanted and loved! I’m also sorry that we understand eachother so much! A connection I never want anyone to share! Your loss is so recent and my heart just broke reading this! I’m here if you ever need to talk ( [email protected] ) hang in there the first year is the hardest…. ♡
What a beautiful note to your son. I wonder all of those things too about people who are in Heaven waiting for me to get there so we can reconnect. I think they are always watching us from Heaven. God is sooooo good and he is always right in what he does for us. God Bless you.
Thank you Jan 🙂
All I wanted was pork tenderloin slow cooker ideas and now I’m in tears and hubby asking me if I’m thinking all the recipes are going to be hard lol so sorry for your loss
That’s too funny! And thank you Catherine
I too was just looking for a pork recipe ( which I’m making) and read your post about your date with your little boy. What you wrote is beyond beautiful and heart wrenching. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a 2 year old son and he’s my world. I know your little angel is with you every single day. Hugs to you.
Thank you Rachel your kind words mean so much to me! Enjoy the tenderloin 🙂
I just ran across your paragraphs of love and felt sorry that you don’t have anyone spiritually sensitive in your family to help you with all these questions. I lost my grandson Demitrious and am very lucky to be spiritually sensitive enough to have him visit me in my dreams and talk to me each and every day. You can speak to him all the time he is with you all the time. He sees everything in your life and is with you thru all your days. Pray before you go to sleep that he visits u so you can hear his voice and feel his hugs again. God doesn’t want us with holes in our hearts he wants us to have all the love we can handle and more. Patrick is just on a spiritual plane and your on a physical plane. Its like he’s on AM and your on FM. I pray this helps your heart because that is the way it is meant….XOXOXO
Thank you Lynda, your words meant a great deal reading just now. I know one day all my questions will be answered, being patient and trusting in God till that day.
I happened to be googling a pork loin recipe and happened upon your picture of the balloons going to heaven, and my heart stopped. It looked like a picture of our balloon launch that we sent toward heaven this past February when my seven year old son passed away after a long battle with cancer. Your words for your baby are beautiful. I felt like I needed to mention it to you, because it is just one of many times since Aiden passed away that I felt that he pushed me towards something to let me know that he is still with me and watching over me. I hope you are getting those heavenly signs too.
Cara, YES, not as often anymore, but just the other day I received one of those heavenly signs that I believe was from my Patryk! You kinda gave me chills just now as I was reading this message, thank you for writing. Prayers to you, and maybe our sweet boys are up in heaven together smiling at our conversation 🙂
I was thinking, maybe they met and were playing up there and wanted to let us both know