As I stare at her beautiful face and feel so content and full of love. Magical, that is how I would describe looking into my daughters beautiful eyes. With each child I fell in love differently, but this child was the most surprising love of all. She is the child that will complete my family and gave me one of the best gifts I could ever dream of. It wasn’t until the day she turned one month that it dawned on me why I felt this special connection to her.
With my first child Patryk love wasn’t instantaneous, it was a love that grew over time. I knew I loved him from the day I was pregnant, but I’m talking about that fall in love, over the moon, happy love that most feel when having a baby. I was young and worried why I didn’t feel this way when he was born. Now that I’m older I realize that there was nothing wrong with not feeling those expected feelings everyone supposedly had. It was a lot for me to take on all by myself being just nineteen years old. I was more consumed with figuring out how to be a new parent with out a partner than having time to just fall in love. Well, that love grew into something I could have never expected and was the greatest gift I will cherish forever. Just wishing that I had put less pressure on myself as to why I didn’t feel the “expected” way in the beginning.
Maxwell, oh Maxwell, the second I found out I was pregnant with you I was head over heals in love before you were even born. The idea that after losing a child I was going to be given a chance to be a mommy again filled my heart with so much happiness. The joy that I had been missing for a few years since Patryk passed away. I was grateful, but nervous. The nerves came from wondering if this child would be healthy, but also nervous for how I would feel once I saw him. Would he look like Patryk? If so, would I be able to handle this? I talked openly about how it would be easier if this next child didn’t look too much like Patryk. I just knew my heart couldn’t bare it. Well, he couldn’t have looked more different, it’s like God knew my heart just couldn’t handle that quite yet. Maxwell was beautiful with his glistening blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I was mesmerized, in love and over the moon happy the second he was born. Having not had this experience the first time I felt truly blessed in that beautiful moment.
Princess Katia, you are the most perfect ending to the beginning of a journey that our family is so excited to start with you. I wasn’t sure I would have that magical moment with you. Throughout the pregnancy my entire body was on guard. Scared, I had suffered two early miscarriages trying to conceive her and this made me fear things could go wrong at any moment. My body being on high alert this pregnancy blocked me from those relaxed happy feelings I had with your brother Maxwell. I think pregnancy after a miscarriage is just different in a way, it definitely changes you. Then you were born and boy was I wrong, there was nothing to worry about the second after I looked into your eyes. I remember asking the nurses and doctors, “is she ok? is she ok?” they informed me that you were absolutely perfect and I took a deep breath of relief, allowing myself to just fall in love. That moment you were here and healthy, that very first second I looked at you couldn’t have felt more amazing. Only if I could just live in that moment forever, it was so magical! This time was different from all the deliveries, I fell in love quicker and harder than I have ever before.
Why am I falling so deeply in love so quickly is the question I started asking myself, is it because I have the girl I always wanted? Is it because this is my third child and I’m more relaxed about things and able to enjoy? Is it because I suffered those miscarriages that I’m so relieved she is here and ok? Why is it that when I stare at this little girl I’m filled with so much love I can barley stand it… Then it hit me all at once, I’m staring into a face that reminds me so much of Patryk! If this had happened with my first pregnancy after losing Patryk I knew I couldn’t handle it. With this pregnancy I didn’t think much about it since I was overly consumed with worrying about the pregnancy being healthy. So as my mind wondered and worried about everything else other than if she would look like her brother, here she was and looked like a spitting image of him. This time God knew I was ready and gave me the greatest gift he could of in this beautiful little girl. Those eyes I keep staring in and can’t seem to take my eye off of, well that’s because they are the eyes of one of the most loved person I ever knew. What a gift I have now to look and to hold my daughter with this little reminder of how beautiful Patryk was. This is the greatest gift that I never expected.
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