The light in the hallway

Only just last month I was still walking the floors almost the entire night with my baby girl. My body became so use to not sleeping it was scary. This coming from a person who always needed more sleep than others around me. I’m usually the first to go to bed and the slowest to wake up. Not anymore, with two kids and one who is constantly tortured by her acid reflux all night long, forcing me to give up on sleep temporarily. This being my third time around and not being a new mom I knew one thing, this too shall pass, but when it does your baby will not be a bitty baby anymore. So as much as I wished for my baby to magically start sleeping, I also knew that I was going to embrace not sleeping for the time being. Telling myself when they are teenagers we can all sleep in together, that or I can get payback and wake them up all night long checking on them 😉 Either way there will come a day when I will miss walking those floors of the nursery while staring out at the hallway light, praying to get back to my bed for even just a few minutes.

I envision myself twenty years from now walking up the stairs to go to sleep with out children to put to bed or Cheerios in my hair. I’ll walk to my dresser where I will pick out pajamas, unlike these days where my pajamas and day wear can all be considered the same outfit. Soundly falling asleep, consciously aware as I laid my head down that I will not get up till hearing the sound of birds chirping in the morning. All of a sudden something wakes me and I look out into the hallway that mistakenly has the hallway light left on. This is where I’ll come full circle, truly feeling how much I miss those days staring out at the hallway light while walking my tiny little baby girl in my arms, barley able to keep my eyes open. I’m crying writing this because I know one day my children will be grown and I will miss every stinking moment with the little boogers. As I watch my children grow I hope they can see the beauty and meaning in life greater than myself, because if they can I will know my life was worth every crazy millisecond. They are my heart and my whole life.

The state of shock I was in this morning was alarming! My daughter (the one who never sleeps), I had to wake up so that we didn’t run late. I still can’t get over this, what an unexpected and exciting milestone. They say around nine months reflux gets better, a result of the sphincter muscle closing and keeping the formula or food from coming back up easily. Well, at nine months we did not have hope since she was still up all night with no relief. Two weeks later when Katia was nine and a half months a miracle arose. She has been waking only twice compared to her all night party animal mode. Actually sleeping and enjoying it, I couldn’t be happier for her. Of course my sanity is slowly starting to return after a whole week of getting seven to eight hours of sleep. So hold on parents who’s babies have reflux, their is hope around nine months of age. It’s been a rough road, but I’m feeling relieved that Katia is no longer in pain all night long.

At least once a day, sometimes more I stop everything I’m doing and embrace my children. Being conscious that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, but right there in that moment I am holding them so lovingly and everything is perfect. I am always reminding myself how my son Patryk is not here to hold, I do this so that I can really deeply remember how lucky I am to be living and holding my babies in this moment. The sheer fact that I was able to have more children after losing little Patryk is huge. It’s not like having a second chance at being a mom, it’s more like a blessing that feels unimaginable. After facing such a horrific tragedy in this world I was able to hold on, to not let go of what really matters. I can be here for my children now and till the day I die. Don’t get me wrong, these moments where I’m embracing my babies come in between some pretty chaotic moments, their kids! That means they are going to push my buttons thinking its funny to pull down my pants, spit smoothie through a straw all over their baby sister, and get paint all over the hardwood floor, but how blessed I am.

I am writing this as a reminder to myself, I will go back and reread this when moments of chaos erupt. Being a parent means there will be challenges, but the reward of watching our children grow is something I will never be ungrateful for. We must as parents teach our children how important it is to love one another and that all starts by us showing them what true love is. We must love with our whole heart, in moments of happiness, but also in moments of difficulties, every child deserves this. One day the hallway light will not be needed, your little ones will not be little, but you will have your memories, make them count.